wow, who said that????

The restoration of eliza and myself has begun. it is already amazing to see what happens when you turn things over to God. Sometimes, he moves slow and we are asked to perservere. other times, we are remolded and reshaped the moment we let go.

For me there are deep hurts, and false ideas that i have of god that he is wanting me to relearn. It is hard to do this for a few reasons....

1. sometimes you do not even know that you are thinking the wrong thing. i mean if you are to ask me if i think is God a loving and merciful god, I would say...YES with out a doubt. HANDS DOWN!!! but do my actions and the random thoughts (that I am called to take captive) show that this is what I think, or are they revealing something else all together?

2. once you realize that you do not think the truth, but rather you have taken the false thought captive and made it true according to what you have learned in Christ, how do you then make that your first thought. Well, i do not know? how is that for prophetic!

I do know this, right now, God and i are having some deep talks. I am crying a lot and I am yelling a lot. I am defending myself about things that I have not thought about in years. I am screaming about things, that i am still not sure i should be yelling at god for. but he tells me he wants to clean me out, so i suppose he knew what he was going to get. right?!?!?

In the end, i am finding that he is a merciful god. This is the truth that i thought i knew...but i am not so sure that i did. i always seem to be waiting and looking over my shoulder for the ball to drop.

I think back to when as a youth i stopped believeing that God even existed. I remember thinking of the only two christians I really knew intimately. My grandpa, who died when i was 9 and my mom, who always had to deal with so much crap. I guess when i took role call and made a judgement at the ripe old age of 12, i did not see a merciful god. I saw that when you loved god, you died, or cried. Who would blame me for not wanting that?

well there it is, my truth, out there for everyone to read, but now what do i do with that? how do i stop thinking these wrong thoughts? I suppose I will have to stop, look and listen, and allow my merciful god to show me.....