Ok, so by the end of last week I was a ball of nerves. I was just not sure what to do with myself. I did not know where to start. Well you know what Julie Andrews says..."Let's start at the very beginning...a very good place to start." So that is where I am.
I of course then was not sure of where the beginning was. To be honest, I know I am where God wants me to be. It is an amazing and humbling place to be though. I want to make sure that I take advantage of every moment that i have been given.
Last week I found myself paralyzed by fear. Fear that if i made one wrong mistake, i was going to fall flat on my face. like, ok you have made it to the big times now sister, make sure you are found worthy, or it is to Hates with you!
I know that is not the God that I serve though, I serve one who comes along side of me, and breathes his life into me. I know that i need him to pull this off, that truth is not changing. But I have been given the vision of what i need to do. i will not do it as perfectly as I am sure Mary Poppins would have, but by the grace of GOD this will prove to be life changing for me and eliza.
So, I have started where i always start...the closets. :) They are really clean now, infact the 95% of the main level of my house is finally settled. (After living here well over a year). My basement however....well that will be for Tomorrow and Wed...:)
AWWWW...i think i am going to like it here.....
9.15.2008
9.13.2008
I just love rainbows.....
Rainbows are so beautiful! They were of course first introduced in my life as God's promise, found in the story of Noah. They have since taken on different meaning to many others, but they still have this sacred meaning to me, in my life. I can recall times when i was destraught, and unsure of myself and everything in my life, and no joke, i would look and there i would see rainbows. OK sometimes just Sun Dawgs i think they are called, but a reminder to me none the less of God's promise to me. This is why I love prisms, and opals. They reflect and hold within them that rainbow. Constant reminders of how faithful HE is......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHFK94QH5sU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHFK94QH5sU
9.11.2008
got soy milk?
Today I woke up and did not know what to do with myself. i found myself spinning in circles. So, I went to the mall. Of course now that i am on a very limited budget it was mostly just looking around and then talking myself out of making the purchase.
I did however find my newest pair of favorite lounge pants, black with lace trim, and eliza found a "little miss sunshine" mouse pad to use for her computer down stairs. I then got some reading done as she got to run crazy in the play area. Of course then the sun came out and I was not sure why we were inside???
Regardless, we then proceeded to go to a clothing store where I once again talked myself out of any and all purchases. Leaving the mall we stopped by Aldi's. I am not sure how many of you have an Aldi's where you live, but they are grocery stores where you can get foods at a lower cost. Most of the time. It used to be a lot of not good for you food, but now they have a line called Fit & Active that they sell. The selection is better than I thought it would be. I ended up getting some soy milk, regular and vanilla flavored. I did not know that soy milk was also gluten free? this is one thing that I am learning is good to limit in yoru diet.
Then in the store Eliza stopped me to tell me that she was so happy to be able to spend the days with me now. She told me that she always missed me so much when she was away from me all day. What a sweet thing to tell me.
So in my aimless wondering, I was giving confirmation of the choice made to stay home, and was lead to a healther selection for my daughter and I. This one moment at a time, following God thing is a bit mentally draining, but pretty cool. Now we will see what we think of the milk..... :)
I did however find my newest pair of favorite lounge pants, black with lace trim, and eliza found a "little miss sunshine" mouse pad to use for her computer down stairs. I then got some reading done as she got to run crazy in the play area. Of course then the sun came out and I was not sure why we were inside???
Regardless, we then proceeded to go to a clothing store where I once again talked myself out of any and all purchases. Leaving the mall we stopped by Aldi's. I am not sure how many of you have an Aldi's where you live, but they are grocery stores where you can get foods at a lower cost. Most of the time. It used to be a lot of not good for you food, but now they have a line called Fit & Active that they sell. The selection is better than I thought it would be. I ended up getting some soy milk, regular and vanilla flavored. I did not know that soy milk was also gluten free? this is one thing that I am learning is good to limit in yoru diet.
Then in the store Eliza stopped me to tell me that she was so happy to be able to spend the days with me now. She told me that she always missed me so much when she was away from me all day. What a sweet thing to tell me.
So in my aimless wondering, I was giving confirmation of the choice made to stay home, and was lead to a healther selection for my daughter and I. This one moment at a time, following God thing is a bit mentally draining, but pretty cool. Now we will see what we think of the milk..... :)
9.10.2008
Stepping out...the decision
Most of you know that i recently quite my very good corporate job to stay at home with my daughter, and go back to school full time to become a teacher. But most of you do not know, just how amazing of a journey it has been for me.
The decision has actually took sometime to come around. I will start at the beginning. It actually goes back to before I was pregnant. I was in Bayard, IA and not in a great place in my life. I knew I wanted to go back to school, but knew that I had some healing to do as well. I did go up to the Carroll DMACC campus and dreamed a bit though, and that is when I first found out about the UNI 2+2 program. At that time the Carroll campus was the only campus that offered it. Well like I said, I knew it was not the time and a few months later, I was pregnant, and had no idea what I was going to do.
I moved back to Des Moines with family and started working at a local restaurant right away, knowing that I was going to need some money to raise my child. Then when I was 6 months pregnant I got the job at INS. It was a good job and I was able to provide for my daughter, so I stayed. I loved it there, and I still do. I was also pretty good at what I did and learned SOOOO much about telephony in the last four years. I still say if I was going to go corporate, that is where I would want to be. But none the less this was not my hearts desire. To be honest, I had forgotten over the last few years what that dream was.
So now we will fast forward to a year ago. I could not resist any longer, I knew I needed to be back at school. So I enrolled at DMACC for one course, Creative Writing. It was GREAT! BUT, I could not stand being away from Eliza even one night a week. I just was too much after being away from her all day every day. This was also the time that a sisterfriend of mine was telling me about the UNI 2+2 that was now being offered in the Des Moines area. I guess that ever other year in Jan they start. Odd years only. So it was JAN09 that the next cohort would start. Well, knowing that I could not be away from Eliza anymore I dismissed it.
Last December I would say was when my thoughts were rocked and I was forced to question and reevaluate my life. I realize that although INS was a great job, it was not my life. God is my provider not them, and he can provide for me in other ways. So I started praying for him to show me a way. A way to stay at home with my daughter and be the mom he called me to be, before a career woman. We wrestled all the rest of the winter, right on into spring about different ways that I could supplement income to be able to stay at home with Eliza.
Then one Sunday, a Christian brother of mine was giving a testimony. He talked about stepping out in faith before we see the road clearly. Then I went that afternoon to see Narnia, where I was reminded to keep my eyes on Jesus. He is always there, and it is his battle to fight, not mine. Talk about a powerful Sunday. I felt the spirit all around me and I could not silence it (like who would want to right). The next morning I awoke VERY early and it was confirmed that I would quit my job in August and do in home daycare. (which was not my first choice)
I was sure that this was the most stupid thing I had ever done. (that could be easily argued) But as it was said that Sunday, I needed to step out before the bridge would appear. So in June I took classes and studied up on how to be a registered in home provider. I do not think I got excited about it until late in June. Still was not sure this is what I should be doing.
School did not actually enter the picture until after the fourth of July. That is when I was reminded of my dream, and reminded there was the program starting in 2009. J God is so good. Just as he promised, once I stepped out in faith, he revealed himself to me. Love that Lord I serve!
The decision has actually took sometime to come around. I will start at the beginning. It actually goes back to before I was pregnant. I was in Bayard, IA and not in a great place in my life. I knew I wanted to go back to school, but knew that I had some healing to do as well. I did go up to the Carroll DMACC campus and dreamed a bit though, and that is when I first found out about the UNI 2+2 program. At that time the Carroll campus was the only campus that offered it. Well like I said, I knew it was not the time and a few months later, I was pregnant, and had no idea what I was going to do.
I moved back to Des Moines with family and started working at a local restaurant right away, knowing that I was going to need some money to raise my child. Then when I was 6 months pregnant I got the job at INS. It was a good job and I was able to provide for my daughter, so I stayed. I loved it there, and I still do. I was also pretty good at what I did and learned SOOOO much about telephony in the last four years. I still say if I was going to go corporate, that is where I would want to be. But none the less this was not my hearts desire. To be honest, I had forgotten over the last few years what that dream was.
So now we will fast forward to a year ago. I could not resist any longer, I knew I needed to be back at school. So I enrolled at DMACC for one course, Creative Writing. It was GREAT! BUT, I could not stand being away from Eliza even one night a week. I just was too much after being away from her all day every day. This was also the time that a sisterfriend of mine was telling me about the UNI 2+2 that was now being offered in the Des Moines area. I guess that ever other year in Jan they start. Odd years only. So it was JAN09 that the next cohort would start. Well, knowing that I could not be away from Eliza anymore I dismissed it.
Last December I would say was when my thoughts were rocked and I was forced to question and reevaluate my life. I realize that although INS was a great job, it was not my life. God is my provider not them, and he can provide for me in other ways. So I started praying for him to show me a way. A way to stay at home with my daughter and be the mom he called me to be, before a career woman. We wrestled all the rest of the winter, right on into spring about different ways that I could supplement income to be able to stay at home with Eliza.
Then one Sunday, a Christian brother of mine was giving a testimony. He talked about stepping out in faith before we see the road clearly. Then I went that afternoon to see Narnia, where I was reminded to keep my eyes on Jesus. He is always there, and it is his battle to fight, not mine. Talk about a powerful Sunday. I felt the spirit all around me and I could not silence it (like who would want to right). The next morning I awoke VERY early and it was confirmed that I would quit my job in August and do in home daycare. (which was not my first choice)
I was sure that this was the most stupid thing I had ever done. (that could be easily argued) But as it was said that Sunday, I needed to step out before the bridge would appear. So in June I took classes and studied up on how to be a registered in home provider. I do not think I got excited about it until late in June. Still was not sure this is what I should be doing.
School did not actually enter the picture until after the fourth of July. That is when I was reminded of my dream, and reminded there was the program starting in 2009. J God is so good. Just as he promised, once I stepped out in faith, he revealed himself to me. Love that Lord I serve!
9.09.2008
wow, who said that????
The restoration of eliza and myself has begun. it is already amazing to see what happens when you turn things over to God. Sometimes, he moves slow and we are asked to perservere. other times, we are remolded and reshaped the moment we let go.
For me there are deep hurts, and false ideas that i have of god that he is wanting me to relearn. It is hard to do this for a few reasons....
1. sometimes you do not even know that you are thinking the wrong thing. i mean if you are to ask me if i think is God a loving and merciful god, I would say...YES with out a doubt. HANDS DOWN!!! but do my actions and the random thoughts (that I am called to take captive) show that this is what I think, or are they revealing something else all together?
2. once you realize that you do not think the truth, but rather you have taken the false thought captive and made it true according to what you have learned in Christ, how do you then make that your first thought. Well, i do not know? how is that for prophetic!
I do know this, right now, God and i are having some deep talks. I am crying a lot and I am yelling a lot. I am defending myself about things that I have not thought about in years. I am screaming about things, that i am still not sure i should be yelling at god for. but he tells me he wants to clean me out, so i suppose he knew what he was going to get. right?!?!?
In the end, i am finding that he is a merciful god. This is the truth that i thought i knew...but i am not so sure that i did. i always seem to be waiting and looking over my shoulder for the ball to drop.
I think back to when as a youth i stopped believeing that God even existed. I remember thinking of the only two christians I really knew intimately. My grandpa, who died when i was 9 and my mom, who always had to deal with so much crap. I guess when i took role call and made a judgement at the ripe old age of 12, i did not see a merciful god. I saw that when you loved god, you died, or cried. Who would blame me for not wanting that?
well there it is, my truth, out there for everyone to read, but now what do i do with that? how do i stop thinking these wrong thoughts? I suppose I will have to stop, look and listen, and allow my merciful god to show me.....
For me there are deep hurts, and false ideas that i have of god that he is wanting me to relearn. It is hard to do this for a few reasons....
1. sometimes you do not even know that you are thinking the wrong thing. i mean if you are to ask me if i think is God a loving and merciful god, I would say...YES with out a doubt. HANDS DOWN!!! but do my actions and the random thoughts (that I am called to take captive) show that this is what I think, or are they revealing something else all together?
2. once you realize that you do not think the truth, but rather you have taken the false thought captive and made it true according to what you have learned in Christ, how do you then make that your first thought. Well, i do not know? how is that for prophetic!
I do know this, right now, God and i are having some deep talks. I am crying a lot and I am yelling a lot. I am defending myself about things that I have not thought about in years. I am screaming about things, that i am still not sure i should be yelling at god for. but he tells me he wants to clean me out, so i suppose he knew what he was going to get. right?!?!?
In the end, i am finding that he is a merciful god. This is the truth that i thought i knew...but i am not so sure that i did. i always seem to be waiting and looking over my shoulder for the ball to drop.
I think back to when as a youth i stopped believeing that God even existed. I remember thinking of the only two christians I really knew intimately. My grandpa, who died when i was 9 and my mom, who always had to deal with so much crap. I guess when i took role call and made a judgement at the ripe old age of 12, i did not see a merciful god. I saw that when you loved god, you died, or cried. Who would blame me for not wanting that?
well there it is, my truth, out there for everyone to read, but now what do i do with that? how do i stop thinking these wrong thoughts? I suppose I will have to stop, look and listen, and allow my merciful god to show me.....
9.08.2008
Hooplah!!!
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I think that it has so much of the joy and good will of Christmas with out all the hooplah. Yet, there is a part of me who is very intrigued with the hooplah. So over the years, i have come to enjoy the entire season, from about November 20th all the way through the New Year. The songs, the smells, the people that I am surrounded with. All the hooplah.
One thing that has been a very large protest of mine would be Santa. Poor old man, he did nothing really to earn number one on "Catherine's Most Dislike Figures" list. He is just so friggin jolly, and what for. Does he know that he is stealing all the limelight from my most favorite figure ever? Not sure? But the fact is that he is, and this has bothered me so much over the years, that I have banned gettign to know anything about him. I refused though the years to even watch the Season's claymation special of "Here Come's Santa Claus" I think that is the title of it? This movie is a fun loving story of how Chris Cringle came to be.
Well this last year, I broke down and watched it, and it was not bad. I mean it is just another Christmas movie. And he is just a man. It is not like he is my Lord. Now his story is really amazing. :) Back to my subject though, there is a song on there that has actually been very helpful to me. It is called "Put one foot in front of the other" (sorry to put that in your head if you know it) I love this song, and even the beat will help me to do just what it suggests, put one foot in front of the other.
That is where I am right now. It is odd trying to get used to being home. I am having to jus tput one foot in front of the other. It is fun though, just being able to keep my eyes on my Lord. I know I am called to do that all the time, but it is harder to do when you have a laundry list due everyday, and many people asking for it, all at once. I am amazed at people who are able to illuminate Christ at the work place on a daily basis. it is my fear that I failed in many ways.
Regardless, I am here now. Ready to lean on my Lord and grow in his love. And if I have to use a song sung by Chris Cringle to remind me, so be it. :)
One thing that has been a very large protest of mine would be Santa. Poor old man, he did nothing really to earn number one on "Catherine's Most Dislike Figures" list. He is just so friggin jolly, and what for. Does he know that he is stealing all the limelight from my most favorite figure ever? Not sure? But the fact is that he is, and this has bothered me so much over the years, that I have banned gettign to know anything about him. I refused though the years to even watch the Season's claymation special of "Here Come's Santa Claus" I think that is the title of it? This movie is a fun loving story of how Chris Cringle came to be.
Well this last year, I broke down and watched it, and it was not bad. I mean it is just another Christmas movie. And he is just a man. It is not like he is my Lord. Now his story is really amazing. :) Back to my subject though, there is a song on there that has actually been very helpful to me. It is called "Put one foot in front of the other" (sorry to put that in your head if you know it) I love this song, and even the beat will help me to do just what it suggests, put one foot in front of the other.
That is where I am right now. It is odd trying to get used to being home. I am having to jus tput one foot in front of the other. It is fun though, just being able to keep my eyes on my Lord. I know I am called to do that all the time, but it is harder to do when you have a laundry list due everyday, and many people asking for it, all at once. I am amazed at people who are able to illuminate Christ at the work place on a daily basis. it is my fear that I failed in many ways.
Regardless, I am here now. Ready to lean on my Lord and grow in his love. And if I have to use a song sung by Chris Cringle to remind me, so be it. :)
9.07.2008
what to do? where to begin?
It is sunday. Usually on Sunday we come home church, have some quiet time and get ready to be gone from home for the majority of the next five days.
Well....I will be home tomorrow, and the next day. I keep looking around at all the things that i could do, and i have no idea where to begin? How do I prioritize? What should be the main focus.
Thank goodness I have a couple of weeks to figure this out. I am felling a bit overwhelmed right now. Who would have thought staying home would be so mind blowing?
"Psalms 49:10"
Well....I will be home tomorrow, and the next day. I keep looking around at all the things that i could do, and i have no idea where to begin? How do I prioritize? What should be the main focus.
Thank goodness I have a couple of weeks to figure this out. I am felling a bit overwhelmed right now. Who would have thought staying home would be so mind blowing?
"Psalms 49:10"
9.02.2008
Testing...Testing...1,2,3....
Today we tested out what it was going to be like for Eliza and I getting to hang out together all day. We started with mommy cleaning up the kitchen, eating breakfast together and then both of us washing up and brushing our teeth.
Eliza then played dress up while mommy put away clean laundry from the night before.
Then we had to go to the bank. On the way home we moozied over to Gray's lake were we took an hour and a half walk/bike ride around the lake. Eliza did so much better than I thought she would, she made it nearly all the way around the 2 mile trail pedalling her little legs off. it wasn't until we were close tot eh end, and she was scared at not being able to stop going down a small hill. Yeah, she was doen after that. mommy was proud (and releaved) that she made it as far as she did. Left me with only a quarter of a mile to carry the bike. :)
We then follwed it with a lite lunch and home where Eliza had soem quiet time while mom finished her paper that is due this evening.
HMMMM.. I think I might like this new life. Praise God from whom all blessings flow.....
Eliza then played dress up while mommy put away clean laundry from the night before.
Then we had to go to the bank. On the way home we moozied over to Gray's lake were we took an hour and a half walk/bike ride around the lake. Eliza did so much better than I thought she would, she made it nearly all the way around the 2 mile trail pedalling her little legs off. it wasn't until we were close tot eh end, and she was scared at not being able to stop going down a small hill. Yeah, she was doen after that. mommy was proud (and releaved) that she made it as far as she did. Left me with only a quarter of a mile to carry the bike. :)
We then follwed it with a lite lunch and home where Eliza had soem quiet time while mom finished her paper that is due this evening.
HMMMM.. I think I might like this new life. Praise God from whom all blessings flow.....
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