the gentle side of me....

For those of you who know me well, i am sure there are times that i may have reminded you of Elaine from Seinfield. i am not what you would consider a gentle person. This is actually something that has been a huge struggle in my life.

It states in the word (1 Peter 3:4)that a gentle and quiet spirit, of a woman, is pleasing to the Lord. Well no matter how hard i try i can not seem to get that spirit going within me. I am quite simply not that woman, and for a long time (sometimes still struggle with the lingering thought) that this makes me less of a woman after God's heart. Less of a servant to him, less able to be able to serve for him.

Lately i have been talking with God and telling him, you made me this way, right? you know that I am not "a gentle and quiet spirit". No, i am more like a hawk than a hummingbird, and you know this. So why I am asked to be something that i am not? Do i just be me and hope that my life and personality can bring you glory in some way?

I do also know that he wants us to be transformed. (Romans 12) That we are to allow Christ to come through us, and Christ had a very gentle and quiet spirit. And yet, he was not the passive character that i have in mind when i think of who i have been longing to be in order to better please my Lord. So where is the harmony? Where do i need to sit down and shut up, and where do i need to use my gift (not being scared to look like a fool) to bring God glory? It is a tough call, and one that i will probably be in constant prayer about.

I can say this, slowing my life down has seemed to bring out a more gentle side of me. Before i had so many things going on all the time (still am pretty busy) and i was so easily distracted. i did not seem to be able to stay in the constant prayer that i needed to be in. Not that i can all the time now, but it is seeming to be more simple. And my mood seems to be more relaxed which equals a more gentle and more quiet spirit. It reminds me of what I was lead to four years ago. "This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength,...." Isaiah 30:15.